Eye contact is an important part of communication, but not all people know how to do it correctly and why it is necessary. Career therapist and founder of the training and consulting center SkillsUp.ua Marina Melnyk told Ivona what you need to know about eye contact.
It's normal to make eye contact 40-60% of the time. Most people are only capable of 30%. There is evidence: lovers keep eye contact 75% of the time during communication. Top managers and negotiators - 90%. An open look is a sign of self-confidence, in the interlocutor.
However, in today's realities, when a lot of communication takes place online, there is no such effect of eye contact as in live meetings, but you still understand when a person is looking not at you, but to the side, above the screen, or down. In such a situation, the candidate looks insecure.
And when you notice that a specialist tries to keep eye contact, even through the screen, you can trust him; what he says is true, and want to move on with screening. For example, if I notice such behavior during pre-screening, I skip the candidate to the next stage.
Eye contact is important in both live and virtual meetings. Moreover, it is easier to do this online than offline. So before you go to an important meeting, try to evaluate yourself - how you keep eye contact.
Set up an experiment to keep attention on the triangular zone between the eyes and mouth of the interlocutor for longer. 60% or 36 seconds per minute will create a favorable atmosphere, and establish an emotional connection.
Your inner attitude is very important here. Positive, goodwill and confidence are the most useful companions in any contact.
The triangular area between the eyes and forehead is called the social gaze zone and is considered the safest option for comfortable communication. The interlocutor will not see you as an aggressor or a hostile person. Establishing eye contact through this approach is a good solution for new acquaintances, friends, or business meetings.
In addition to the triangular area between the eyes and forehead, there are two more:
intimate area
power zone.
Intimate gaze is a quick translation of eye contact between face and body. This is done in order to first establish the gender of a person, and then understand the level of interest in him. Usually, such a look is used to show their interest in someone.
Power gaze is a forehead-eye-eye triangle. Such eye contact instantly changes the situation to a more aggressive, serious, tense one. This technique is most often used to rise above another person, to manipulate, or to frighten. I do not recommend using the gaze of power during romantic, friendly, or business communication.
What to do if you are afraid of eye contact?
This happens for a reason: the pupils unconsciously respond to stimuli, and therefore they cannot be controlled or attempted to be manipulated.
Why is it difficult for some people to make eye contact? An important point: now we will talk about those who avoid direct gaze, and do not just look away from time to time.
If we consider the issue from the point of view of psychology, there are several main reasons for this:
severe irritability, aggression
lack of self-esteem
anxiety
fears
increased feelings of guilt and shame
fear of being caught in a lie.
Each of the points can be worked out with a psychotherapist. But what if you want to start changing now?
Catch 7 tips to help overcome the fear of eye contact
Track your triggers. Identify situations where eye contact is the hardest for you. Do you find it difficult to keep an eye on strangers or those in a higher position? Stay in this moment, and think about why this is happening.
Don't rush yourself. Good eye contact is hard. All those who know how to hold it now once learned this. Give yourself time to master a social skill.
Practice alone or with comfortable people. The first option may sound strange, but that doesn't make it any less effective. Go to the mirror and start a conversation with yourself, looking into the eyes of your reflection. Don't do it mindlessly, immerse yourself in the process. This exercise can be done 2+ times a week - a great start to achieving results. The second way is to practice with people around whom you feel safe. It can be friends, good acquaintances, a psychotherapist, a partner, parents, or relatives. The main thing is that you know for sure that you will not be judged and will be supported. The big advantage of this particular option is that you can (and should!) ask for feedback from whoever you are practicing with.
Set small goals. To achieve a result, you need to take small but sure steps. For example, one such goal might be making eye contact with a colleague during a casual conversation, or with a grocery store cashier when they ask if you'll pick up a bag. And don't forget to track your progress. Write down tasks for the week that will help you make eye contact with others, and summarize every Sunday. The track at what point you have a hitch, and where you begin to feel light. And, of course, do not forget about self-praise and pleasant rewards!
Take the initiative. Don't wait for the person to make eye contact first. If you find yourself in an unfamiliar company, choose someone you want to chat with and look at him, accompanying this action with a friendly smile. No need to incinerate a person with a look if he does not pay attention to you. In this case, it is better to switch to someone who looks more friendly and open.
Use the 50/70 rule. A Michigan State University article says that a good recommendation to maintain a comfortable environment is to try to maintain eye contact 50% of the time you speak and 70% of the time you listen. Just do not try to calculate the approximate number of percentages during the conversation - this will only distract you and will not give you any benefit. Trust your intuition and feelings by reminding yourself of the 50/70 rule before you enter into a dialogue.
Don't look down when you're listening to someone. If you find that making eye contact becomes uncomfortable, look away. Such a gesture will show that you are processing the information received or trying to remember something important. If you decide to look down, it will mean that you are uncomfortable or uninterested.
Follow the recommendations and remember that proper eye contact is a super-important element for high-quality, comfortable networking and just everyday communication.
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